posted 2nd January 2025
Or why don't we talk about them more?
I, unfortunately, experienced a miscarriage at the beginning of 2024. It was a whirlwind of emotions as firstly it was an unplanned pregnancy, cheers antibiotics, and we never thought we would have another. Due to me being a type one diabetic I get called in for an early viability scan, which I had and there was a heartbeat. I had a midwife friend tell me a few years ago that the chances of miscarrying when the heartbeat was there was very slim. So I thought, that's it, it's happening. My husband and I started hugely planning in advance of when the baby would be here and what would happen, only to find out we had lost the baby at the 12 week scan. Also, because I genuinely think my body hates me at times, my body still thought I was pregnant so I needed a D&C to remove the deceased embryo. When I found out I had lost the baby, I was also really pissed off at my body for being so stupid and not realised. IN my head I feel it would have been so much easier to miscarry at home, however after reading several stories I'm not so sure. I feel I would have felt the same regardless.
Now, I do understand that people process things differently, I am certainly not dead inside but also I can understand why an embryo doesn't make it and isn't viable. However, this does not make it any easier!! I was devastated after I realised we lost the baby, more so than I ever thought I would be. Which, looking back, is crazy! How could I not be devastated? I had started to plan a future with 2 children, the holiday, the mat leave, the constantly keeping more plates spinning. And what was worse is I didn't mind any of it. I wanted it!
What I found really comforting but also really sad was when I told people I had lost the baby, the freaking out about it being unplanned meant I told a lot of people in a panic, I triggered emotions for them. They came out with stories of their losses, and I didn't know, we just don't talk about it. It is brushed under the carpet. Yes I know 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in a miscarriage, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt and it doesn't mean we shouldn't grieve. I often wonder if this is mainly a UK thing, has our stiff upper lip got so stiff we take out all emotion about these things. I'm also really pleased I told people about the baby before the 12 week scan, where did that come? Why do we wait until that 12 week scan to tell people? I needed that support from those who knew, I needed to be able to cry on them and shout how cruel it was. I really feel we are very wrong to keep it hidden until 12 weeks, if I didn't have those people to fall back on I would have been a bigger mess than I was.
There is a bunch of support out there for people who have experienced miscarriages and stillbirths, you do need to look for it but it is there. They can't answer the questions of why you miscarried but they help make you realise you aren't alone. What we need is general society to realise the implications it can have on a woman, mentally and physically. Nothing will change quickly or maybe even ever, but let's call it what it is. Miscarriages are s***. Personally I don't think I'll ever get over my miscarriage, it would have been due the same day as my daughters birthday. That was a bittersweet day this year and may be every year. I don't know. A very good friend, who reached out when she realised I had lost the baby because she unfortunately had experienced something very similar, told me that you never get over it. You learn ways to live with it but it'll never leave you. She's right, things are easier now, I do still wonder about them when my mind drifts away. At the end of the day they were a part of you were expecting to meeting them. How can you not think about them frequently.
If you have been one of the unlucky ones to experience a miscarriage, or more than one, take time to be kind to yourself. Give yourself the time to grieve, seek counselling - I know this isn't for everyone but there are specialist counselors out there for miscarriages and baby loss. You don't need to keep going and put on a brave face, it's a really s***ty thing and I'm so sorry you're part of one of the worst groups you can be in.
https://www.tommys.org/about-us
