posted 20th January 2025
The guilt I felt after getting pregnant after a miscarriage was huge!! And Rainbow baby just makes me think all should be sunshine and flowers but it really wasn't like that for me.
If you've read my other blog you'll know I had a miscarriage at the beginning of 2024. From an unplanned, very unexpected pregnancy. Now this triggered me to think I would actually like another child, after swearing off having another child as I struggled, HARD, with her!!
As mad as this sounds, I didn't expect to fall pregnant, especially not falling pregnant so quickly. To the point I didn't even realise I was pregnant as my periods hadn't come back to my normal cycle. I was terrified when I realised I was pregnant again, terrified and then also filled with guilt. Guilt that I had fallen pregnant again so quickly, guilt that I felt my body had just moved on so quickly when my head really hadn't and then guilt that I could go through it all again with a miscarriage. I should have been excited but the fear took over. And this fear is still with me now (I'm due April 2025). I couldn't talk about it, I couldn't get excited and it was like the elephant in the room for my husband and I. No one told me that this would happen, and I felt as if something was wrong with me and maybe I shouldn't have this baby after all. So Rainbow baby is an alien term for me.
As well as my head spinning out with one thing and another I also then felt I couldn't tell people about this other pregnancy. There was a shame to it, I felt I would get judged (I didn't at all). It has taken me MONTHS to get my head around the fact baby number 2 is happening and what really helped was telling my daughter, her excitement helped my husband and I talk more about it and start planning it like it was really happening. I still have moments of guilt. The due date got me good! I was pregnant again and thought that would help my healing however I was still mourning the loss of my previous pregnancy. I found myself crying walking the dog, not even knowing I was. And I was okay with this, my body needed this, I needed this! I still have moments now when I think of the what ifs and the should haves. I am so incredibly grateful I was able to conceive again, however I feel I will always my unknown child with me.
If you have suffered with a miscarriage and need further support please reach out, there are specialist counselors out there who can guide you and Tommy's is also a great organisation to get in touch. You are not alone, you are allowed to grieve and you are allowed to not be okay.
